My Plans?

So what’s the decision?

So what’s the plan?

So have you decided?

So? So? So?

I barely know how to start writing this one up myself somehow. Fact is, I really have no idea but somehow, I’ve to conjure up some mambo jumbo as not to look clueless…  T_T

It’s like a cosmic collision of mind, body and soul (and other organs as well (No, not what you’re thinking…)) But actually it’s more like separation…

Basically, the basic idea goes like this. To summarize it,

1. PhD

Aside from the obvious privilege status that it brings, of course the thought of being a lecturer brings a glee on my face since it’s the easiest job available ever since humanity exist (purely in my honest opinion). Yeah, it’s really nice and all. I’d love to go out with most of my Uni friends and all since most of them are in KL and KL, has so many things that I wanted. Whatever I want, KL has it. Like gym, foreign language thingy, Low Yat, so on and so on…

That brings me to another dilemma, which Uni? Why not foreign Universities? Why wanna stay in Malaysia since you can afford foreign? Well, if you’re in Malaysia, you’re not qualified to question me since you’re here for the same reasons that I do… It’s our God damn country…

For reasons unmentionable, I really wanted to go back to that jungle for another spin… Absurd and sacrilege. In fact, my parents were supportive and they’re willing to fund me albeit saying “Well, you can do anything you want but whatever you do, don’t do it (there) because of “other” people.” Point taken, bull’s eye. Guilty as charged. Sometimes we have to acknowledge and praise our parent’s empathy towards us.

Sigh… But doubts still remain of my sanity if I continue on studying because frankly, it’s making my energy levels really low and getting my butt fat. Besides that, I really hate being poor as I’m still dependent on my parents. It’s kinda hard to swallow if you’re 25 and you still take provisions from the family. It’s even harder to swallow when some of my friends has already working for 2 years already, some started a family, some driving a Lexi… The question is, is it worth it all? Which brings me to the next point…

2. Working

2.1 Working as Engineer

It sounds perfectly logically that one should start working a few years then if it needs be, then continue study PhD. In fact I can literally start my life right here, right now. And Altera or even Intel’s offering is not bad at all… I can fit straight in and start buying a car right there, just like everybody else(which 60% of the graduates do and become car slaves). But in the end… For obvious reasons, I will never go back to Penang… It’s a small island after all (but will contemplate going back there since the money is really good…) Please don’t start nagging me because I’ve got a full month of “broad-side” from my parents after screwing up with my cousin’s offer. So there’s no real need of adding salt to the wound.

Then comes KL, working in KL boast different kinds of options really. Most salaries are often too low to support the current living standards there (btw, toll is going to go up by 10% real soon)… Basically, I don’t think I can save any “real money” in KL… How about Singapore? Firstly, it’s way too far from home, it’s hard to find a job there as well… Maybe later? Yeah, the money is good and all, probably can save a lot of money… Then, can come back to Malaysia and spend. Wait, wait… What did you just say? Come back? How can you focus on your work if you know it’s not permanent? Knock yourself out if you’re only looking for money… But the best of all comes from Hao Mun, “What are you going to do after you save RM100k from Singapore?” Answer: Not much… Really. That’s the pathetic state that we’re in and don’t get me started on salaries in Malaysia… Which then brings me to 2.2…

2.2 Father’s company

Time and time again, I always come stucked at this choking point. Most people will grab the oppurtunity and squeeze it to their chest and never let go of it. It’s the most logical choice. Tze Jin is the most stupid person in the whole world. Why do you have to throw everything that is good? I really don’t know… It’s like the 2nd easiest job in the world? Count 1,2,3 and just do add and minus, sometimes multiply and divide but never integration and differentiation. Will only be busy for a few peak hours. Deal with a few people, talk wheather, talk c*ck, laugh laugh laugh. Big money. Flexible time. What is there that you don’t want? I don’t know, maybe I just it to end… Yeah, it’s travesty.

I just want my parents to have vacations that deserve so badly. Ever since the business grew, there was never a day of peace… It’s always a race against time. A race against corrupted government officers, tax collectors, debt collectors, licenced robbers and unlicenced robbers alike. And we’re chasing people too for payments and the vicious cycle continues on and on. One eye off the pedder and you have the snake right up your ass. Maybe I can work on it for a few years and change it but I really want to do something new.

2.3 Why not you stop complainin and start working a few years first…

But so far, I have not seen any student who has graduated, start work and come back to study later (even if they plan to)… So many commitments will spring up, money, mortgages, spouse, aging parents, kids etc… Even if they do, it was done with tremendous pitfalls and sacrifices as they graduated at 35… Not a good thought really. Right before I rejected the best job offer I had in KL (Yeah, the one in KLCC), really… When it comes to crunch time, I’ve shrunk. I’ve no idea why I did that… If I wanted to work for 1-2 years, why don’t I stop wasting time and go right through it rather than going one big circle? That which brings me back to option 1: PhD… And so the Big Merry-go round continues it course over 2 months… Jobless and whiny.

3.0 Truth

But what I really wanted to tell all of you is… I’ve lost it. I don’t know when, I don’t know how. Sometimes my mum ask me, “Where is your heart?”, ” It’s as though you’re not there”. I’ve lost it. I couldn’t find it… I couldn’t just snapped out of it. And I’m still trying from time to time… I’m like a mad dog, chasing everything that comes by and when I finally catch it, I didn’t know what to do with it. But most of the time, I just let it passed… Well, it doesn’t matter. From time to time though, I’ve given pieces of myself to all those around me but I guess people are just busy with jobs and their own agendas. If only… Well, nevermind… I’m just too lazy to write.

Till I find my Mojo again. Soon, very soon. Till then, I’ll let you all call the shots.